SQUID GAME, but the Roles are Reversed/Transcript

Red Light Green Light
Announcer: Welcome, contestants! As you all know, this is a very special version of Squid Game: one that exclusively features previous Squid Game henchmen, officials and animated robot doll girls. The first game is Red Light Green Light. You are allowed to move forward when it shouts green light, stop when it shouts red light. If your movement is detected afterward, you will be eliminated.

Front Man: We already know the rules. Just get on with it.

Doll: Yeah, dragging it out like this is torture!

(We cut to Player and Noob in the Front Man's old office, who are the new hosts.)

Noob: Got a point, you know.

Player: Noob, we've been through this: just because we were reversing the rules doesn't mean we change operating procedure! We need to play this by the book!

Noob: (Sighs) Fine. I do have to admit, the voice changer is a pretty cool touch.

Player: Right? Ahem! (Speaks into voice changer) All contestants will have...

(We return to the game room.)

Announcer: ...5 minutes to complete the game. Anyone who fails to cross the finish line within that time will be eliminated.

Veteran Doll: Green light!

(Everyone starts running.)

Front Man: We have to stick together.

Doll: Hm? What is that?

Veteran Doll: Red light!

(Everyone stops. However, one of the Circle Soldiers loses their balance and is shot.)

Front Man: You and me are the only ones smart enough to be able to find a way out of this place.

Veteran Doll: Green light!

(Everyone starts running.)

Front Man: Let the pink guys be the cannon fodder.

Circle Soldier: What's that about pink guys, boss?

Front Man: Nothing. You're gonna do great.

Veteran Doll: Red light!

(The Circle Soldier doesn't hear and is shot.)

Doll: Oh yeah, I see what you mean!

(Three other Soldiers are shot.)

Veteran Doll: Green light!

Noob: So why did you make the new robot look like... that?

Player: The roles are reversed, so the robot is reversed. It's metaphorical.

Noob: It's horrifying.

Player: Oh, so all dolls are creepy now? What about my collection of jazz musicians?

Noob: Sorry, what?

(Player presses a red button on the couch. A small box with the sign "Jazz" above it lights up and we can see a jazz band perofrming inside. The music keeps playing as we see the game continue. The Front Man, the Doll and many other Soldiers cross the finish line.)

Honeycomb
Announcer: Welcome, contestants! Before the next game, please choose one of the shapes presented on the wall.

Doll: What are our choices?

Front Man: Looks like a square, some five-sided thing, a heart and a glove? Or a hand, I guess?

Doll: Square seems pretty easy!

Front Man: Yeah, it does... too easy.

Noob: All these people know how the game works already, Player! Everyone's gonna pick the easy ones!

Player: Good. Then the plan is working.

Announcer: Please make your selection now.

Front Man: Come on, Doll, we're picking the hand.

Doll: Uh, are you sure? Nothing was kind of -

Front Man: Trust me.

(Everyone makes their selection.)

Announcer: Huh! Idiots! I knew you'd pick the easy ones. But guess what? If you pick the square, you get a tesseract block that you need to chisel out in 3-dimensional space. If you pick the pentagon, you need to needle out a photo-realistic image of the U.S. Pentagon, circa 1978.

Noob: You know, I'm not really sure how fair your tactics are on this one, but I'm down with it.

Player: Oh, you haven't seen anything yet!

Announcer: If you chose the heart shape, you have to perform open-heart surgery to save a dying loved one of yours.

(A woman is wheeled into the room, plugged into a heart monitor.)

Woman: I'm sick, George!

Circle Soldier: CAROL!

Noob: Wow, that is messed up!

Player: I found a bunch of medical equipment in a hidden operation room. Apparently before some of these guys were using it to harvest organs. I didn't think it should all go to waste.

Noob: Well, when life gives you lemons...

Front Man: What about the hand?

Doll: Yeah, uh, what twist did you come up with for that one?

Announcer: Oh for that one you just literally have to trace out the hand. Drawing hands is hard!

Noob: Literally impossible!

Player: Right?

(Two Circle Soldiers working on the block crack it and are shot. Another Soldier fails the Pentagon and is shot. Eventually, there is only 1 minite left.)

Front Man: I don't know if I can finish in time. I'd lick the back to loosen up the break points, but I can't through the mask.

Doll: Same! I can't do it because my robot face isn't capable of creating saliva! Plus, my dainty doll hands are difficult to maneuver.

(A Circle Soldier is in the middle of operating. The woman flatlines, and he is shot.)

Front Man: Wait, doll hands? Quick, I have an idea.

(The Front Man places the Doll's hand on her cutout.)

Doll: (Gasps) It's a perfect match!

Front Man: Trace it! Trace it!

Player: Hey, that's cheating!

Noob: When we did this game, I used a lighter and you used your spit. I think hands are fair game.

(Player puts his face in his hands and groans. The Front Man and Doll finish with 3 seconds to spare.)

Tug Of War
Announcer: For your next game, you will all be playing Tug Of War. In order to win, you must pull the rope towards your platform...

Noob: (Speaks into voice changer) ...in an attempt to pull your opponents down below.

Player: Wait, how are there so many people left? Did we actually have some contestants who are able to perform open-heart surgery?

Noob: Yeah! Apparently tons of these pink henchmen are cardiologists.

Player: OK, SERIOUSLY, WHO'S SCREENING THESE PEOPLE?!

Announcer: Normally we would randomly choose what team faces each other, but you are basically identical in shape and strength, so I just say everyone pick a side.

Player: Yeah, that seems fair.

Noob: I think so.

Front Man: Little do they know our team has a ringer...

(The Front Man, the Doll and three Circle Soldiers face another team of Soldiers.)

Dream Soldier: On your mark, get set, GO!

(The Doll simply grabs everyone and begins walking backwards, dragging the other team forward.)

Circle Soldier: PULL HARDER!

Circle Soldier: It's no use! She's got innate robot doll strength!

(The opposing team are dragged off their platform and fall.)

Player: I forgot about her innate robot doll strength...

Noob: It's OK, it won't help her in the next games!

Marbles
Announcer: Each ontestant should have a bag filled with 10 marbles. In this game, using your set of 10 marbles, you will play the game of your choice with your partner. A player who manages to take all 10 marbles from their partner wins. You have 30 minutes to play, and your games cannot resort to violence. Begin!

Doll: Let me guess: you don't want to play. You just want to sit around and talk about your family and feelings the entire time.

Circle Soldier: Uh, no. I'm one of the pink people. I'm not even allowed to say my own name.

Doll: Oh, thank God!

Front Man: So what marble game are you thinking? Odds or evens? Toss a whole? I can steal them from you with the old rocks in the bag switcheroo.

Circle Soldier: I used to live in a town just like this...

(The Front Man groans. Back to the Doll.)

Circle Soldier: What's your guess, odds or evens?

Doll: Hm...

(The Doll uses X-ray vision to see through the Soldier's hand. She is holding 2 marbles.)

Doll: Evens!

Circle Soldier: Dang it! How much did you wager?

Doll: All 10!

Circle Soldier: What?!

Player: OK, these robot powers are getting out of hand. She's a freaking cheat code!

Noob: It's so OP!

(The Doll collects her opponent's marbles.)

Circle Soldier: No! Please!

(A Dream Soldier shoots her. Meanwhile, the Front Man walks up to another Soldier.)

Front Man: All right, I got both bags.

Dream Soldier: What game did you play?

Front Man: Uh... None, really. The old guy conked out and I just sorta took them.

Dream Soldier: Yeah, works for me!

Player: This robot is ruining every game we play! And the VIP is almost here!

Noob: VIP? You invited someone?

Player: Just an old friend of mine. A real classy guy.

(Mr. Cheese walks into the office.)

Mr. Cheese: What's up, party people? You guys ready to watch pink nerds die or what?

Glass Bridge
Announcer: Hello, players! Let me welcome you all to the fifth game: Glass Stepping Stones! There are two kinds of glass in front of you: one that will break at the slightest amount of pressure and one that can support the weight of two human contestants, or one robotic doll girl. Since there aren't many players left, the time is even less than normal. Choose your path wisely!

Circle Soldier: OK, OK, I don't really have time to think about it. It's all luck! I'm just gonna go!

(The Soldier begins leaping across the panes. Amazingly, he gets a lot right, and he nears the finish line.)

Circle Soldier: I'm doing it! I'M DOING IT!

Mr. Cheese: Aw, no way! He's doing it? I didn't come this way just to watch people survive!

Player: Just wait...

(The Soldier fails the next pane. It shatters, and he screams as he falls.)

Front Man: This is working out perfectly. We're in the back. We should be able to watch the rest of the henchmen die, then you can use your robot vision to chart the correct path in your data matrix.

Doll: On it!

(Another Soldier starts. He gets a few right, but eventually falls.)

Noob: They only have 4 more rows to figure out!

Player: Yeah, but there's only 3 of them left. Their chances still aren't great.

Mr. Cheese: Yeah, it's funny when they go splat! Hahaha!

(The final soldier makes it to the last few rows.)

Circle Soldier: I'm not going next! I don't care what the order is supposed to be! Can't the Doll just detect which glass is which?!

Front Man: I'm afraid not. You'll have to choose.

Doll: They dropped my glass detection program in the latest firmware update. (Scoffs)

Circle Soldier: You're lying! Just tell me we can all survive!

Mr. Cheese: Uh-oh, drama alert!

Noob: They'd better hurry up. They're running out of time!

(There is only 1 minute left.)

Front Man: Fine, you caught us. I'll go first.

Circle Soldier: Really?

Front Man: Doll, which ones are safe?

(The Doll scans the panes.)

Circle Soldier: Come on! We don't have all day!

Doll: Sorry! It's right right left left.

Front Man: Got it.

(The Front Man picks up the Soldier and throws her onto the right pane. It shatters, and she screams before falling.)

Front Man: So you lied - about all of them, I'm assuming. I guess this is where our partnership ends.

Doll: You know only one of us would be able to make it out alive. If I get the money, I might be able to have that surgery I've always talked about! The one that will turn me into a real girl!

Front Man: I understand.

Player: I don't. Being a hyper-intelligent cyborg with superhuman strength seems like the real endgame to me.

(The Front Man and the Doll finish just in time.)

Front Man: Well, good luck to you in the finale. You're gonna need it.

Squid Game: The Finale
Announcer: Welcome, Front Man and Doll, to the final game! Before we begin, we will flip a coin to decide who plays offense or defense. Front Man, please choose a shape: either triangle or square.

Front Man: Triangle.

(A Dream Soldier flips the coin. It lands on triangle.)

Announcer: Triangle it is! Please choose offense or defense.

Front Man: Offense.

Announcer: Great. Now since we all know the formalities of Squid Game are largely ceremonial, here's a couple of huge knives.

(The Dream Soldier gives the Front Man and Doll knives.)

Announcer: Have fun killing each other for our amusement.

Mr. Cheese: Squid Game is such a weird name. There's no squid and it's barely a functioning game. You just call it Knife Fight or something.

Player: Doesn't exactly have the ame ring to it.

Noob: Shush! They're starting!

(The Front Man and the Doll both strike poses.)

Doll: I'm not going to take it easy on you.

Front Man: I'd expect nothing else.

(The two fight. The Doll manages to push the Front Man to the ground.)

Doll: Do you really think you're going to be able to best me in hand-to-hand combat?

Front Man: No. I was just trying to stall.

Doll: Stall? For what?

Front Man: The rain.

Doll: Wait! NO!

(The simulated rainstorm starts. The Doll is electrocuted and collapses.)

Doll: AUGH! IT BURNS!

Front Man: I'm sorry, Doll...

(The screen cuts to black, and we hear a knife swing through the air.)

Front Man: There can only be one.